What about the FOTB?

He has kept himself to himself, but spare a thought for the Father of the Bride! Poor bloke.

YOU’VE got to feel sorry for Kate Middleton’s mummy and daddy, who are about to officially enter the lions’ den – the lions of Windsor.

With just 10 days to go to their daughter’s big day, Michael and Carole Middleton must be as nervous as pheasants within range of a gun-toting Queen on the Sandringham estate.

After all, it’s not every day one’s eldest marries into a clan which is more dysfunctional and cartoon-like than The Simpsons.

Kate’s ma has (allegedly) already been a victim of snobby sneering from William’s inner circle, after apparently being found guilty of only being middle class, chewing nicotine gum during the prince’s passing out parade at Sandhurst and having had the audacity to have worked as an air stewardess (mocking courtiers are said to have whispered “doors to manual” to each other in her presence).

So what about the father of the bride’s speech? Perhaps it will go something like this . . .

Royal Wedding father of the bride speech, as imagined by Paddy Shennan - In The Mix Today - News - Liverpool Echo